Wilderness Experience

The earlier part of this year I had a wilderness experience. There was so much in me that was revealed. I wouldn’t know just how strong and resilient God made me to be without my season of going through the wilderness. I was completely isolated. Being there is where He had my undivided attention. It was at its darkest, and I felt incapable of doing anything or changing anything. During that time I re-read the book of Exodus, where it took the Israelites forty years to complete an eleven day journey on the way to the Promised Land. It could have taken them a lot less longer if they would have trusted God to lead them out. I made sure that whatever I did during that time, that I drew closer to Him and endured everything thrown my way. 

I realized all my confidence was not in God alone. My confidence was in other things and even those things were now gone. I was enduring the pain of being stripped of everything. I felt like I grieved His heart over and over again. I felt so unworthy and not fit to do His will. The ugliest parts of me were shown to me. The lies of the devil were flooding my mind, and sadly, I had even found myself believing them. My past flashed before my eyes and all I could remember asking myself is, “How could God still love me?” I couldn’t have loved Him like I thought I did. I didn’t deserve the overwhelming amount of love He lavished on me, but He did, in spite of it all. I cried out to Him and repented of my sins. He was merciful and kind towards me. I learned to completely trust Him with my life. I was tested on so many levels. I was exposed to myself. I was getting out of a situation that I put myself through. Each waking day became hard, because I had to face the reality of what I was going through. I would lie in bed and feel the hurt, with my heart beating loud, and thoughts even louder. My insecurities at the time had more weight than my identity in Christ. I felt very helpless and hopeless. I relied on the Holy Spirit to guide me through. And in my weakest moments, God showed Himself to be strong on my behalf. I was going through the refining fire. I prayed for it to be over, and I often asked God how much longer would I have to go through it. I knew I had to endure until the end, despite my frustrations. I would find solace in being around those closest to me, and other times I wouldn’t. I was completely shattered.

I didn’t always feel like God was with me, His silence didn’t mean He wasn’t present, but He was the whole time. His grace met me right where I was. He comforted me through prayer and His Word. I tried to figure things out on my own before, but couldn’t possibly do anything apart from Him. No matter what turn my life had taken, I was determined not to give up. The closer I got to Him, the more the heaviness lifted off of me. I realized that in order for me to grow, I would have to go through difficult seasons of transition. It wasn’t always going to be comfortable. I was able to stand during that season when standing was the last thing I wanted to do. My heart and mind was being transformed. He was softening my heart and purifying me. I was literally being broken, just to be made whole again. I couldn’t withstand the test and trials during that season in my own strength, I needed all of His. God never promised that I wouldn’t have trouble; but He said in His Word that in this world I would have tribulation, but take heart, for He overcame the world (John 16:33). I became hopeful in that.

I’m thankful that God’s thoughts are not my thoughts, and neither are His ways my ways. He was doing a new thing in me and I needed only to be patient and trust Him. With tears welling up in my eyes and running down my face from all the pressure of refinement, I was determined to allow God to have His way with me. There was absolutely no way around what He was taking me through. The growing of my faith and the building of my character didn’t come easy. I needed this process to mature me in my walk with Christ. I now know what I’m made of. God’s Word I have kept hidden in my heart, that I might not sin against Him. The experience was humbling. I’m thankful for what it taught me, so I would be of good use for His Kingdom. I’m thankful that His Word kept me alive and shed so much light on me.